Wow. I can NOT believe it's been a month since you've been here. It still feels unreal, half the time I'm still in shock. I miss you. I miss your big hugs. I miss talking to you about everything in life till 6am. I miss you making yourself way to comfortable on my bed while I clean and you integrate me about my life. With you in the house, there was almost a different feeling. Now it will always seem like we are missing the last piece to our puzzle. I hate this. I hate that you are no longer there. I have SOOO much I need to talk to you about and I can't. So I guess this is my way of coping with it, in a way. I still have this stupid thought in the back of my head that maybe I will wake up and you will just walk back in the door. I actually had a dream about that last night, that you actually did walk back in through the door, then I woke up. Christmas is going to SUCK without you, even though I know you're here in spirit. I just wish I had the chance to spend Christmas with you before. I'm still waiting for that visit in my dreams! Guess what?! Remember who I was dating(you know who!) and you said we would get back together? Well. You were right. Were back together and I told people this time! :O Like parents, Facebook and all! It's like an actually thing! ;p And I'm happy. :) Thank you for introducing us. Without you we would have never met. You were right, he is perfect for me. I knew there was a reason I met that kid! But I would literally give that and a million other things up to have you back. You know I a few months ago I would say, "No, I'm not scared to die. I know I'm going to heaven." Which is true! But I think in the past couple of weeks I've realized I was scared; scared that I wouldn't know anyone? That doesn't make sense. I guess now I know your'e there, my Grandma is there, and many more; so now I know once my time comes I will be able to be reunited with family that has already gone home. And I'm so excited for that day! Don't get me wrong! I don't believe my time here is up and I am going to live life to the fullest!
I hate when people talk about those types of drugs now. I hate when people joke about overdosing. I hate when people don't think it's a serious thing. I hate the "Who else is taking your pills?" commercial because it just reminds me. I know you didn't mean it! I know it was an accident and I just wish I could have done something.
So Abby and Corrine got tattoos just for you!! Yah for real! :D Idk about me yet, you know I'm so indecisive! O! And your cousins did too! ^That's Abby's wrist, we all of the sudden noticed AFTER the fact that the tattoo that the tattoo artist drew is the same font you drew/wrote of the "Thumbs and Roses" sketch! What?!?!? It even has the little infinity symbol thing! That was you. I know you somehow did that. I guess life's crazy that way. <3
Certain people(you know who) have said some things to me but I know they're not true. I know you loved me. I know you called me your sister and you know I call you my brother. We may have only truly known each other for 5 months but it seems like a lifetime, if only it could have been. <3
Ironically "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson just came on my Pandora radio. "I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok."
Well, I'm gonna be late for work. I love you Zach and I think of you everyday and I will probably everyday for the rest of my life. I love you.
Love, Madey xoxo
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